You know what’s just plain crazy? Technology. This is my very first entry. I created the blog yesterday and have spent at least two hours trying to design it. So far, all I have managed to do is set the damn color. Please know that beside the color, none of the other stuff represents anything with which I want to be associated. Wait, that’s not true. I also managed to name the site. Yeah me. Please continue to follow me. I promise it will get better. Maybe.
According to Einstein, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. If this is true, and I’m assuming it is because Albert Einstein coined the definition and he’s a genius, then I am certifiably insane. I spent at least two hours trying to load the same image onto this page, first as a logo and then as the background. I figured if it didn’t work for the logo after 50 times, then of course it will most definitely work as the background. Alas, 50 more times later and well you’ve seen page. Insane.
So here I sit trying to make my mark in the world willing to battle with a piece of technology of which I clearly have no knowledge or understanding. Ironically, it is Einstein’s quote that motivated me here in the first place. For the last 20 years of my life, I have been saying, “I am going to write.” And, yes, I have written. Yet, I have nothing to show for it but a bunch of half-finished drafts collecting dust on the shelf behind me and 20 years of empty promises to myself and the masses of people to whom I spoke those words.
Until recently I figured I was just the average Jen living the average Jen life in a world where my voice held no volume and no impact. Imagine a pebble tossed in the lake of life and not making one ripple. Yikes. Super sad now that I see it in print. So why motivate now? What’s changed? Nothing. I’ve just grown tired of being the average Jen full of empty promises and self-deprecating language. It’s exhausting.
Really there’s nothing average about me. Well that’s a lie. Aside from the house, two cars, 2.1 kids (actually 1.0 kid) and a dog (and two cats), I’m not average at all. Celebrities speak out all the time and are praised for their bravery and applauded for bringing attention to topics that will make the average Jen’s life a better one. Yet, they are not the average Jen so I can’t relate not one iota. It infuriates me when the likes of Demi Lovato, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Mariah Carey, publicly announce their battles with Bipolar Disorder. They are so brave to share their “struggles” with the average Joes and Jens of the world. Meanwhile, back in the land of peasants, those “plagued” by mental illness and the stigmas and consequences attached to their disorder, continue about their life struggles in fear, holding tightly to the secret that defines them even as hard as they try not to let it.
As much as I’d like to be, I’m not famous nor am I super human, (I’ll argue otherwise when I’m manic.) but I am bipolar, and that makes me special. Ok, maybe not “special”. Maybe more like average Jen with a twist. So that’s what different. I’m less than 5% of the American public. I’m exhausted from pretending to live an average Jen life in fear of making ripples in the water. That’s what has changed. I want to make ripples. I want to be heard, and I don’t want to be afraid anymore. Celebrities can have their splashes. My cannon ball years are over. I am just too damn old. Aren’t I brave? Alas, no applause? No media coverage. Boo.
So welcome to my average Jen world with a twist. For those of you who are worried, I’m not manic nor depressed. Just tired of secrets, empty promises, and mean voices. This blog will not be all about bipolar disorder, because I work hard not to let it define me (even though it does). It will be musings about growing up Italian American, teaching English and coaching soccer to teenagers, marrying into the military, and being a pilot’s wife and a musician’s mom and the sun to a dog and two cats, but all with a twist. Ok. That too might be lie. It will be about a dog and two cats….
and that’s just plain crazy.